Tuesday, March 31, 2009
When I started my weightloss in Jan. '05 I weighed once a week, and I stuck to that even though I was tempted to weigh myself more often. It wasn't until I decided after my original goal weight of around 145lbs. to lose another 10-13lbs (shooting for 132lbs for the April '06 Cert) that I started to weigh everyday. I felt I needed to weigh more often so I could make the adjustments needed to reach my goal in time. From that point on, daily weigh-ins were used in that way....as data, because I started journaling my training as well and it was all part of the same "experiment".
Since my surgery in Dec. 08, it's never been the same. I don't know what happened but my body and my mind just went "willy nilly". So many changes with major surgery, my age, my hormones, my training, my eating, even my personal life has seemed to play a role in this emotional rollercoaster of how I feel about my bodyweight. I admit for many months I would step on the scale and be, downright, depressed....but that's another story, lol.....
Yesterday I was debating whether or not to weigh myself since I had weighed myself the day before (on Sunday, after an "all you can cook day"), because I knew it was going to read a higher number that I was hoping for, but then I asked myself this question, "Will knowing the number on the scale change how the rest of the day is going to go for you? In other words, my meal plan for the day was already prepared and in place, my training schedule was not going to change, and if I could see my bodyweight information as data, then what's the harm? I weighed myself, and I felt fine about it...will I weigh myself today? Probably, because I'm interested to see if I've been successful in moving back to my maintence bodyweight.....and I think I have. (but if I haven't then I know I need to make some changes)
At this point in my life I don't think it's good for me, or necessary, to weigh everyday. I can see the number on the scale objectively most times, but I would be lying if I claimed to be able to always see it that way. "Tracy's Fantasy World" is a world I live in never feeling the need to weigh myself because in "Tracy Fantasy World" I have healthy eating habits that reflect a heathly life, therefore a healthy body. The truth is that I know what I weigh before I step on the scale. My bodyweight is dependant on how much I eat, not on how much I train, and I know when I'm eating too much, and eating more food than my body needs will always reflect on the scale.
PS The one practice I don't think is healthy....and I'm guilty of it myself....is multiple daily weigh-ins.....I won't be doing that anymore, but don't make me promise, lol!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Meditate, meditate, meditate is what I remind myself to do when I start to feel anxious. Meditating may be different to everyone....do you meditate? How do you meditate, or calm your anxieties?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"I am often amazed at the things people say. Earlier today while I was preparing my lunch; one of my co-workers came up to me (male) commenting, "That looks like a lot of work." My response, "Well, I dedicate Sunday's to preping and cooking my food. I actually enjoy it. And I go to farmer's market on Sunday morning." So, then he proceeds to "explain" to me that that will all end when I meet a man. That he is not going to want me to spend my Sunday's doing that kind of stuff. WOW!!!!! That is like telling me that I am wasting my time taking care of myself and that I will gain the weight back, the day I am in a relationship. WTF!!! I know you warned me about people making negative comments throughout my journey, but WOW!!! It was not just what he said, but also the way he said it."
I believe that no one but your immediate family wants or cares if you lose weight. In fact I'll be bold enough to say that I think everyone, but your immediate family, wants you to stay fat! I think it's true. Of course if you've hired a personal trainer, then their success depends on your success, but they're getting paid!
Your immediate family.....with, in some cases, the exception of your spouse! If your spouse is fat and wants to stay that way, then you're not going to get alot of support, because they'll lose their "eating partner! If your spouse is a "saboteur", because of their own insecruities, maybe they're afraid you'll do better and leave the relationship, or get too much attention, etc., they will not support your wanting to lose weight. But most of the time, your spouse does want you to look and feel your best, so I think the other is the exception, not the rule!
Your kids.....of course your kids want you to be skinny because at a certain age they don't want you to embarrass them in front of their friends. And your parents.....they will love you regardless of what you look like, but they don't want to outlive you! Some parents see their children as reflections of themselves and they may want you to "represent" success to prove that they were good parents, so how you look to the "outside" may be of some importance to them.....again, in this case, the exception, not the rule.
But let's get back to everyone else......non immediate family members,(cousins, aunts/uncles), friends, and coworkers. They don't want you to lose weight because, they don't want you to be skinnier than them.
1) If they're fatter than you, they'll feel bad about themselves. And if they can't find the motivation to change it for themselves they may say the words in support of you, but they'll also be the first ones to try and sabotage you by saying things like, "Oh come on, go to lunch with us", or "Just have one bite, one bite never hurt anyone!", or "I was at Starbucks and I picked up this Mocha for you because I know it's your favorite." (extra large, super vente, of course). Misery loves company.
2) If they're skinnier than you, they want to stay that way.....skinnier than you!! Their own insecruities always want to be "one up on you". The don't want more competition for attention, they want it all.
Both groups of people will be the ones talking behind your back taking bets on how fast you'll put the weight back on. They might even say something stupid like...."Now, you don't want to lose too much weight.".....Oh yes, that would be a crime now, wouldn't it? God forbid we lose too much weight! What the hell are people thinking? And what's anyone's definition of too much weight? I think it's a bodyweight that is lower than theirs, lol!
How many times have you heard people say about someone they know who has lost weight, "They're not the same anymore, they act different now!" Yeah, more confident maybe? Healthier? More energetic? How can you not be different?
You know what else bugs me? when people say, "You know, you have to lose weight for yourself, not anyone else" What the hell does that mean? Of course we lose weight for ourselves, good freakin' Lord, who did we get fat for? Who did we eat that bag of cookies for, that serving of nachos with extra cheese and sour cream....someone else? What does this mean????? As if losing weight was suddenly going to be easy because they've just given us the answer....of course....just lose weight for ourselves.....brilliant!....now I can do it.......why didn't I think of that...?????
If someone has never done what you want/need to do, then do not listen to their stupid advice.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I have always given myself a day off of my diet, at least once a week, calling it a "cheat day", then a "high calorie day"....playing with the wording, of course, to try and make it sound positive (nothing positive about he word "cheat"). I credit my "high calorie day" for the fact that, along with my KB training, I had never hit a plateau during my weightloss.....never! How many people do you know that can say that? I believe the reason this method doesn't work for most people is because of the fasting day that follows.....but that's another blogpost for another time.....
In the past I always reached, first, for "sweets". Sugar, in abundance, is what I crave, so on my high calorie days it was not unusual to consume a whole pint of ice cream, a whole bag of cookies, 1 lb See's candy, etc., and because I started out with sugar it killed my appetite for "real" foods, and because of that, many times, I wouldn't eat one nutritious thing on a high calorie day! But recently as I became more and more aware of the infinite food choices we all have it occured to me how much I'm cheating myself of all of the goodness of more nutritious, yet also high calorie foods, such as butter, cream, bacon, bread, pastas, cheeses, nuts, even olive oil, etc.. And since I have the ability to cook whatever my little heart desires I've decided to start eating more of all the lovely high calorie savory foods, first, and then if I have room (and I always do....but less room), then if I want sweets I eat them. I've also been making more of my own homemade sweets, like puddings (coconut rice, butterstotch, rich dark chocolate!).
I don't call the way I eat during the week "a diet", because I don't feel deprieved in any way, I love my salads and soups, in fact preferring them over fatty/salty/sugary foods, mostly because of the way those foods make me feel. My workouts come first, and there's nothing worse than feeling heavy and sluggish during a workout. Once you overeat before a 4:30pm Bikram yoga class, standing in 104 degrees burping up 1/2 loaf of cinnamon bread from 10am that morning, you never want to do that again, lol! But there are so many foods that don't make the "cut" during the week, like, sweet potatoes (or any potatoes, really, not even mashed....yum), breads and pastas, although they're not bad for me, but I can only eat so much, having to pick and chose, so I chose healthier less calorie foods as my main meals.
So, I started to use my "one day" as my day to do two of the things I love the most......eat and cook! I call my day the "all you can cook day", instead of the "all you can eat day"! On this day I can cook using all of the oil and butter I want! But I usually start out with a glass of wine, some bread and/or cheese, homemade spreads like pestos, and I'll shell some local walnuts while I prep dinner......it's turning into an "experience", not just a "pig out"!
Here's what I had on Sat.,
Spicy Crispy Sweet Potato Fries (pictured above)
Grass Fed Beef Patty Melt w/ Bacon and Smokey Blue Cheese, on sprouted wheat bread slathered in butter!
Rich Dark Chocolate Pudding
It was my intention to put some grilled rainbow chard on my patty melt, but after a couple of glasses of wine......
Yes, I did eat a Chick-O-Stick candy, and a couple of molasses cookies, from Whole Foods, too, but what can I say?
Spicy Oven Sweet Potato Fries
2-3 sweet potatoes cut into 1/2 inch sticks
olive oil (lots!)
salt & pepper
chipotle chili powder (a few pinches)
Heat oven to 400-425 degrees. Place sweet potatoes, in a single layer on a baking sheet, sprinkle salt, pepper and chipotle chili powder, toss with oil. Put them in the middle rack of the hot oven for 15 min. or until they get nice and crispy brown on one side, then turn them over and finish for another 15 minutes on the other side.
(Tip from Fawn.....put you baking sheet in the oven while it's heating up, toss you veggies in oil, s & p in a seperate bowl, and then pour them onto the hot baking sheet)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday morning, after 8:00am and 10:00am Bikram yoga, I completed my 100th class this year! I think it averages out to 9-10 classes per week. Why do I practice so much? Because I can! Besides, I have a killer collection of Lululemon yoga clothes and I get to wear them everyday, sometimes twice a day....woo hoo, how lucky am I?
Because I recognize what a luxury it is to be able to train so much, I try and take advantage of all of the wonderful things my life's schedule allows me to do. In addition to my yoga practice I train KB's 3-4x a week I walk 3-4x a week, I have a few clients, I teach a few KB classes, (more teaching to come!), and I get to shop for, cook and prepare all of my own foods.
Last week I had considered skipping a 4:30pm yoga class because I had already practiced earlier that morning at 7:15, and I said to Mark, "Why should I go? I mean, it's not like it's going to make a difference. I'm not going to be any skinnier because of it!" And he reminded me that all of the training I've been doing these past 3 years has built up "muscle density".....every workout not missed builds upon itself....and I don't miss workouts! I'll have Mark help me to write a blogpost about building muscle density, since he's the expert! But in the mean time......don't miss your workouts!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Abstinence: Self-denial suggests resisting one's own desires for the achievement of a higher goal.
Should we focus on what we feel we can't or don't have, or can we see it in others ways?
Focus on what we do and can have.
I am starting to remind myself that it's not the "word", it's the feelings behind the words. In a previous blogpost I wrote about how we choose to feel about dieting....when we are motivated in a positive way restricting calories seems easy, effortless, rewarding, but when we see it as deprivation, resisting, punishment, it's practically impossible to do.....and therefore can start a vicious cycle.....a backward, downward vicious cycle.
What I do know for me is when I feel anxious I feel stress, and when I feel stressed I feel weak, and when I feel weak I give up. Anxiety is the first sign of moving in the wrong direction. Anxiety is what can trigger compulsive behavior (for me).
For now, the way I feel about having to practice any sort of "abstinence" in the sense of depriving myself doesn't make me feel good. If I can see abstaining as a way of rewarding then I can feel good about the trade-offs......just trying to figure this stuff out......
I've got tons of stuff to do before 12noon yoga, so I'm off.....
PS I had such a great day yesterday considering I got my teeth cleaned (I dread the Dentist office, lol) I had the luxury of practicing 2 back to back Bikram yoga classes, 30 minutes of Max V02 training with Mark around 1pm, and then teaching a KB swing class at Equinox in Palo Alto, which it looks as if I'll be teaching morning classes at during the week!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
When someone who eats too much compares themselves with someone who drinks too much (or uses drugs), what is often said is, "You can always stop drinking, but you can't stop eating...you have to eat!", implying that is harder to stop overeating than it is to stop drinking alcohol because you can live without alcohol, but you can't live without food.....partly true.....the part that you have to eat, not that one is easier than the other. Overeaters need to be abstinent from a behavior that is triggered by emotions, and emotion could be triggered by a certain food or a situation.....emotions trigger behaviors like overeating and, I'm assuming, drinking alcohol.
We have to think about abstaining from a "behavior", not "food".....food is not the problem, eating is....how we eat food is....and how do we eat? For me the habit is eating compulsively, and what that means to me is, whatever the emotional reasons are, there's a good possibility when I shove that first bite of food in my mouth when I'm not physically hungry can trigger binge eating. If I can just keep myself from taking that first compulsive bite, then no trigger, no binge......
The biggest part of abstaining from the first compulsive bite is to be able to recognize the first compulsive bite! That's another blogpost......but for now, at the time I was getting this I knew already how to recognize it in my own experience, and because I knew how to recognize it I was positive I could do it! I was so positive I could recognize that first compulsive bite, and be strong enough, have enough will, have enough discipline to not take it, I was so sure that I put a $100 bill in my pocket to give to the first person I laid eyes on the second I failed.......if I failed and took a first compulsive bite. That was the deal I made with myself.....I was betting myself $100 that I could do it! I don't remember how long I lasted but it was a good amount of time! And lucky for me when I lost the bet, I was with Mark, lol, and of course he didn't take it from me....so really what kind bet was it?
So here I am now......obviously I don't still have $100 bill on my pocket, it was not a bet I made again.....and it's not a bet I think I need to make again now.....why not? Well, I'm still figuring it out. Months later I did decide to attend an OA meeting, and I've been reminded of one of my strongest memories from the 4 or 5 meeting I went to, it was a woman that shared that she was celebrating her 40th day of abstinence, and I could remember thinking, "Wow, 40 days, good for her!". I remember feeling the energy of strength and confidence that surrounded her because she felt victorious.....and I wanted that! But the first compulsive bite, that first binge makes you forget. But now I'm reminded.....reminded about abstinence......good Lord, how do I feel about it? Let me think......
7:15 yoga.....I'll meditate on it some more and get back to writing......
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Although I haven't been checking in on other blogs, the last time I did, I followed a bloglink from someone elses blog and came across another obsessive compulsive woman blogging every morsel of food she ate, every fraction of a pound she weighed, and every negative thought she had about her body......Good Lord I never want to be a drag like that. That's when I stopped recording my exact food and weight. I did start my own personal blog, open to no one but me to write all of that crap down, but I rarely even post there anymore.
I have no idea what is going to become of this blog, but what I do know is that I never want to be a drag. My last blog post wasn't about defeat, it wasn't about the exact amount of my bodyweight, it wasn't about how I'm a victim of my compulsions or of food, it was about moving forward, it was about living in awareness, it was about having no judgement. So what, I've had the habit of overeating in a compulsive way in my past, it doesn't define who I am.....more to come, but I'm late for 12noon yoga with my sweetie......I'll be back
Monday, March 16, 2009
I hope God gives me the motivation to keep writing about this, because this is just the beginning.......I can't possibly write all I have to say about this subject in one blogpost, so I thought I would start here..... I wrote these thoughts last year around this exact time, but never shared them before.
I started the day out feeling fine until lunch time came. I had been looking forward to lunch all morning, I was having a favorite soup meal to which I added a mountain of greens, creating quite a sizeable bowl of soup. After I finished the soup I was feeling like I needed more. A little something sweet….I knew what was coming…I knew without a doubt what was going to happen next….it was just the beginning. I knew once I started eating, and I knew that I was starting, I wasn’t going to stop until I physically had to stop. Until I couldn’t physically eat anymore.
I started out with some dry cereal (Oat Squares), and lucky for me, I thought, there was only about 1 ½ serving of cereal left in the box, at this point I was hoping I could stop myself…hoping to stop this feeling of hunger, but I knew it was only the beginning. At this point I found myself standing in the doorway between my kitchen and dining room looking at a glass front cabinet that had a small stack of books in it. The book that stood out amongst the others was called, “Overeaters Anonymous”. It was a book I had picked up at a garage sale during the previous summer along with the book, “Binge No More”, I had read Binge No More, but this Overeaters Anonymous book did not appeal to me, at the time.….or I wasn’t ready to receive it’s message at the time….I chose to believe the latter, because that’s the way I think!
As I stood there eating cereal out of the box, with my hands, I stared at this book. And my inner dialogue sounded like this,
“Tracy, you are seeing that book for a reason. Don’t you think there is a reason why you’re standing here knowing your in the middle of a binge and looking straight at an Overeaters Anonymous book? You know you have to pick it up. You know you have to pick it up and start reading it. You know it’s time….there’s a message in that book and you know it, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking at it….pick it up.......fine. But I’m not going to stop eating. I don’t want to stop eating. I’ll pick up the book and start reading it as long as I can keep eating.......fine. You can keep eating, but start reading that book. OK, but I’m going to eat until I can’t eat anymore, I’ll sit at the dining room table, eat and read.”
And that’s what I did.
This particular Overeaters Anonymous book was just chapter after chapter of different peoples stories of how they came to recognize that they were compulsive overeaters and how OA was the solution that worked for them. Now, I don’t know if this 12 step program is for me, but what I do know is that I read a couple of things that made such perfect sense to me that I felt a tremendous sense of relief, a sense of liberation.
The first was the description of that “first compulsive bite” Hmmn….the "first compulsive bite". Hey, I know what that is. I know what that feels like. I never thought of it in that way, but I know that feeling, I know when it starts. And if I know when it starts and I can recognize it for what it is, and I can stop it. You mean I can stop it? Wow! I can stop it!
The second was that my habit of overeating was not about the food, which I knew, but about the “eating”. That had never occurred to me. I knew I was in the habit of giving into compulsive overeatering, I recognize that on my blog, but I didn’t know it was more of a clinical diagnosis. Compulsive overeating was a disease, and I had it. But I also had the medication to treat it, abstinence.
This was the first time I saw a direct paralell to other addictive habits like alcoholism.....I was like an alcoholic.......wow......
It would be months before I went to my 1st OA meeting, and I although I only attended about 4-6 meetings (I honestly don't remember), the experience was a positive one. The subject of OA came up again during a conversation before a yoga class last week, and again the next day with someone that overheard part of the first conversation, so I took it as a "sign", lol! (I'm crazy that way) Why was OA brought back into my life?
I never take for granted that anyone reads my blogs, and it doesn't matter, but like I mentioned earlier, if God, The Universe, wants someone to see it, to read it, to get something from my experience then so be it.
God give me the motivation to continue what I'm starting........what I've started.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I've been crazy for brussel sprouts, making brussel spaghetti carbonara, brussel sprout soup, warm, or raw shredded brussel, red onion, and apple salad with, smokey bleu cheese (sauteed in bacon fat, of course, lol), sometimes adding spinach, and a squeeze of lemon. I've been tossing shredded brussels into my weekly cabbage salad mix too. Last year I was crazy for roasting brussels, but I've barley roasted any veggies this year.....I can only explain the change on discovering how to make stocks so quickly and easily in my pressure cooker and eating alot more soups and pressure cooked meals this year.
Speaking of my pressure cooker......good Lord! If you own a pressure cooker and haven't made risotto in it, then you are missing out big time! AND being able to make your own stocks to make risotto with is a bonus! I don't have any pictures of the risottos I've made lately, but I make it at leat once a week, so soon I may have to force a recipe on you, lol. Risotto, pressure cooked or not, is always another "go to" meal because the ingredients are alway on hand in my house. I mean, who doesn't have butter, an onion, arborio rice, wine and/or stock, and parmesan reggiano cheese in their house? (this my inner food snob talking, lol!) Yellow beet, w/beet green risotto, mushroom risotto, winter squash risotto.....and yes, risotto w/thinly sliced brussel sprouts!
But the real prize risotto was the rice pudding risotto.....
Coconut Rice Pudding
1 1/2 c. arborio rice
1-1 1/2 c. sugar
1 can coconut cream (14 oz, not coconut milk, but coconut cream!)
4 c. water
1/2 tsp. salt
Bring to high pressure, cook for 8 min., let pressure come down naturally, remove lid and give it a good stir, and voila!
Add anything else and it's a bonus! Cinnamon, raisins, or other dried fruit, nuts, whatever. Stir in 1 oz. dark chocolate, broken into small bits, into a single serving of hot rice pudding....yum!
One meal I made just a couple of days ago (thursday) was a lamb stew with pappardelle noodles, I'll have to force myself to make it again and share the method and recipe.....this time I may add chick peas....my 19 year old quickly ate all of the leftovers!
Anyway, I guess the point of this blogpost is since I brought up the subject of "infinite food choices" previously, I've decided to expand my food experiences. Although I eat basically the same foods daily, salads and soups, and I believe it's the best, easiest, and most delicious way of supporting the health and lifestyle I want to have, I've made it a point to start enjoying more my talent and love of cooking and start to make things I haven't made in years, if ever. I mean I just made my first batch of butterscotch pudding this afternoon, and the sprouted wheat bread in the fridge is crying out to be made into french toast with maple syrup and bacon....I've been on this bacon kick too, lol! But it'll wait for another time.......
I haven't been motivated to write, but I certainly can't keep my mouth shut when I talk....good Lord I went off at yoga the other day when I got involved in a conversation about OA (overeaters anonymous), not necessarily in a bad way, but I'll share some of that when I make the time to sit down and write.
But for now, as always, I'm off to yoga.....